Family...

First I am going to start by giving credit to Mojito Maven for the following excerpt that she wrote...it has been rolling around in my head for the last few weeks. See for yourself and then I will comment on why it has struck such a cord with me...

losing family
by Mojito Maven on June 18, 2009
Recently, I have found myself thinking about this quote from Finding Forrester:

“Losing family obliges us to find our family. Not always the family that is our blood but the family that can become our blood. Should we have the wisdom to open our door to this new family we will find that the wishes we had for the father, who once guided us, for the brother, who once inspired us…”
For most, family brings a sense of comfort, joy, and love. But for others, family can mean resentment, bitterness, and hurt.
No family is perfect. Each has its own challenges and secrets. But above all the pain and sadness I do believe in forgiveness and healing.
I believe it in my heart of hearts, and right now, it is the only thing I know to be true.

My ramblings:
This has been a VERY difficult year beginning with New Year's - let me tell you - it was a HORRENDOUS way to ring in the new year. Yes there has been illness 1) my daddy's kidneys were worse and then God blessed him with a transplant and he is doing great 2) my father-in-law had a place removed from his leg that was cancerous and did spread to the lymph nodes in his leg but he came through radiation brilliantly...spots found on his shoulder later were biopsied and found to not be cancer...now, the cancer has returned - the prognosis does not look good at all; but through it all he has the most wonderful attitude that can only be described as peace from God through his unwavering belief and faith; even as he has now started aggressive treatment 3) I had to be taken to the ER this past Wednesday with the most excruciating pain I have ever experienced in my life...my blood pressure was WAY out of whack - catscan, IV, blood work, meds, and follow up visit with a physician and things are beginning to be a bit better: it seems to be running a bit too low now, but I am confident that we will get there.....all of those have been difficult but in a lot of ways they do not compare to a different pain that I am facing; my very closest friends already know that to say I have a "strained relationship" with my ONLY sibling would be putting it lightly...it would be more true to say that there is NO relationship - NOT by my choosing....for some reason he has decided to turn away and not have any kind of relationship with me, my husband, or my child AND he will not attempt to work it out or even tell me what the issue is... how do you handle that ..... I have struggled and struggled and maybe I shouldn't even post this, but I need to vent and I also welcome advice (if you truly mean it that way and you have personal experience with similar situations not just spouting from a book). YES, I pray about it. YES I know God can fix anything. The part I have the hardest time dealing with is the hurt...we were so incredibly close growing up and even through school...I hurt for not only myself but for my parents for his choice puts them in such an awkward position; I also hurt for the loss of getting to know my only two nieces and my child getting to know his cousins. My brain cannot wrap itself around what I possibly could have done to ever deserve being treated this way, BUT after a trip to the ER I have resolved to try my best to find a better way to cope rather than storing my hurt inside of me. Mojito Maven's words seem to be a salve - they talk of loss of family and so fitting "the brother that once inspired" but she goes on to talk about family that is not blood - I have always considered myself to be a friendly person and have a lot of acquaintance friends but rarely do I let someone all the way in (due to being burned - even within the last year), but I take courage from her words to know that I should reach out and develop friends that can stand in the place of family that chooses to not be there and that forgiveness and healing do exist...that is my continued prayer is to one day have healing with my brother for regardless of the pain he is causing me - he is still my one and only brother - the one who played with me as a child, wiped away my tears, encouraged me, stuck up for me in school, and always welcomed me in the darkest hours of my life....those times I will NOT let go of and choose to not forget! I am highly doubtful that his eyes will ever see this, but if they do: I love you - regardless....I just don't understand.....
To my few friends that read this blog - thank you for allowing me to let that out and begin to release and let go of the pain in my heart....